It is seemingly a normal day. No normal days have ever existed for me. Thus, it is a normal day. On a normal day is when I want to start.
It is not an event to start, rather there is a feeling to follow in order to start.
The start of this race is not with a bang, instead I am stepping into the race that is already going, into a river that is already meandering, and once inside, just monitoring my place between the banks.
And then I take control of my current spot in the current.
Perfectionism
It is so nice to put perfectionism aside and concentrate on consistency.
Put down discipline and will power, and replace that confusing heavy energy with consistency.
Like many humans in the world, chaos is familiar, and I have agonized over my desires for a structured life. But structure does not materialize is the ways I once thought it could.
I create structure for myself, and I do this consistently, but it looks different everyday, and that is what I mean by my chaos. This semi-sweet chaos I see as part of my life has mostly been defined by an array of exciting new experiences and a previous willingness to ride to them to the end, coupled with an analytical mind that a highly sensitive body develops to make sense of their place in the world.
No matter how sources of chaos and depths of despair compare to another – suffering is suffering, and I understand it, I understand.
Recently I live more day-by-day everyday and seek simplicity.
Content Creation
I suppose I will accept that content creation is my angle. It is unclear to me – the path’s purpose – but I understand that I have a need for self expression in order to be healthy.
Artist
My relationship with the word ‘artist’, this label, has been a wounded one, that began to unravel when I understood how artists were perceived, or how the word was used, before I was born, and in cultures with which I am less familiar.
Artists have sensitive senses.
Rules
They say you must know the rules first, and then break them, to begin to take mastery of a chosen craft. Untrained as I, my rule book is of a much more personal nature. By posting, this I will break a previous rule of mine. This is good. Can you relate?
Why
I am doing this because I need to express myself. I need to watch momentum take new forms. I need to be present in myself when I do express myself.
I want to believe that the internet has value. I want to believe that the magic internet value bots are going to help the right people read what I write at the right moments and that I will have then been of service.
I also want recognition and some form of respect coming my way. I don’t know the form of this reciprocation for my efforts, yet. I do believe this is another way to embrace mystery.
Control
It is out of my hands. I have loads of content ideas, but I am not going to waste my time organizing them to death. That time may come, and I will be prepared. Just like this time is here now, and I am prepared.
This is a helpful way to stop worrying so much. Try to believe, for a moment, that you will know what to do when the time comes. This is how I am writing now, and I realize that if I can create the space to sit down and write, this is more the type of self expression that I need. I will have content to create, I have organization tools in place, I have references at the ready, I have information to blend with experience, messages to uncover, links to develop, a website to grow, containers to enter, and rules to break and follow.
Creating can be purposeful, creating can be structured and controlled, and it can be fun, but the exact product is all still out of my hands.
Simple
Simple took me a long time to grok. I will keep grokking new things, no doubt.